True Confession 7-10-08

True confession ...

I am not a content person at this time. Actually, I have not been content for some time now. I love my wife and my kids with all of my heart. I would die for them. They are what keep me going. I think that is wrong, though. There is something inside of me that says, "I should be the one to keep you going." That something is the Holy Spirit. Knowing and doing are two totally seperate things.
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(Matthew 15:8 This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.)

Not fake ... my heart WANTS to be content ... and God knows that ... but He also knows that I am not really there yet. So what to do ? Fake it 'til you can make it comes to mind ... I have always disliked that phrase ...

So I try to narrow down the root of the problem ... I said the root ... not the symptoms ... the root ... finances, screaming kids, yard not mowed, family issues, health, etc and so on are all symptoms ... yep ... symptoms

Fear is a BIG issue for me ... I am a worrier ... I have posted about this before ... but even that is a symptom ...

The root is relationship ... God want all of me ... all of me ... this is what He says ... "You ride that motorcycle and you have a great time. You never look at how much fuel you have. There is not even a fuel guage on the thing. Why ? Because you know you have a certain amount of fuel that is set aside for reserve. And when you run out you just flip a switch and VIOLA more fuel is readily available. And you know that there is enough to get you to the next station. DW, you live like that. You give me FULL ACCESS to the main tank. But you know some in reserve. And you feel like you are the one that cna flip the switch to get to that reserve. But I want it all. I want the main tank AND the reserve. I want that extra $50 you have stuck back. I want to control it all. Live like you are running on the main tank. Don't hold back. I HAVE THE RESERVE. "

Don't misunderstand me ... savings accounts ... emergency funds are GREAT ... but when you put more faith and confidence in what's in reserve that the ONE who gave it to you to put into reserve ... SIN

That is difficult for me ... I want to give Him all ... but I don't want to ...

Questions :

Could I leave my comfort zone ( Lufkin, HHBC, CCI, etc ) ? If no to any of these, I still have my hand on the RESERVE switch ...

Can I give my last dollar to the man on the street or in the grocery store ?

When others are "promoted" can I sit by and be happy for them ?

When people are rude and arrogant toward me can I turn the other cheek ?

Can I sacrifice MY time and MY energy to spend time working on a relationship with God ?

I am sure there are more ... but you get the idea here ...

Dreams are meant to be lived out ... and I am not doing it ... why not ? I am still in control on my own "reserve" tank ... I think I am hold out on God ... and so really He's is holding out on me too ...

I feel like I am waiting on Him ... but in reality HE IS WAITING ON ME ...

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DWC


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